“Feral”

“Feral” (fîr’əl, fĕr’-)     adj.

1. Existing in a wild or untamed state.
2. Having returned to an untamed state from domestication.

This series was based on a development and unfolding of events and experiences this past month.

The word “feral” keeps coming up in my mind.

Over and over again like a mantra.

It all started with a series of events…

…After a rough month of feeling like I could not please anyone and running around trying to put out fires all while trying my best to be a “good girl”, especially with those who seemed most disapproving of me…I just gave up.  I realized that I had always, on some level, felt this need to please or be pleasing.  After countless sleepless and restless nights ruminating over the same few thoughts laced with fear and anger, I finally gave up.

I couldn’t stand it anymore now that I had become aware of how much it was and always had run my life.   I couldn’t keep going on this way, but then what?

Then, I found myself at a lake.  I had always wanted to swim across a lake.  I dove in and all the fears came back to me.  “I can’t see where I am going.”  “What is out there in the depths?”  “Will I get halfway and panic?”  “Will something happen to me?”  With every stroke I felt my vulnerability swimming my way through this opaque pool of mystery.  With each stroke I thought about turning back.  With each stroke I felt my fears all surface.  Then…

I began a mantra…Trust. Trust. Trust.Trust.

With each stroke I reminded myself to trust, trust that even though I could not see everything I would be fine.  I could be safe and secure in the mystery.  For a moment I felt all the vulnerability and excitement and freedom of swimming through this space of nothing and everything.  Totally immersed in my experience.  Eventually I reached the other side.

Tired and proud and satisfied and then a stirring…

…Two days later I found myself at another lake.  Again, I dove in.  Fresh fears and trepidations rose from the depths.  Again.  Trust.  Trust.  Trust.

That day I came home.  I remembered what it was like to be that wild, adventurous child that I had been long ago, now as a woman.

That night I slept with the residue of the lake still in my hair, uncombed and tangled.  I felt myself again–this feral part of me rekindled excited to see what adventure I would dive into next.

Something shook loose in me, like waking from a long slumber.  The need to please and conform my life to the “shoulds” and perceived responsibilities beginning to fall away.  To become more and more of the feral woman that I truly am.

“Feral” – The Painting

As the definition of “feral” goes, “the return to a wild and untamed state after domestication, I find delight in the rediscovery of this piece.

After beginning this painting 4 years ago, I stowed away.  It was in hiding, like my natural, untamed self…kept in the dark for years.  All that time I judged it, “I don’t like it, It’s too unstructured, too wild, too crazy, too much.”  I could really even see the piece, it appeared to me as this undefined mess and tangle of shapes and forms.

After my weekend of swimming in the lakes, I found myself pulling this painting from storage.  It was incredible.  It was like I had never seen it before even though I could tell myself it was always there, always a part of me.

Today I love this piece.  I love how wild and untamed and full of life it is.  I love how it does not seem to mind the tangles and density of intersecting shapes and forms.  It does not seem to mind that it appears without a clear direction or plan.  Instead, it revels in its diving and sweeping lines, its curves and complexity, it lack of control or definition.

This piece reflects the reclamation and the glory of the tangled, messy, uncontrolled, irrepressible, wild womanchild within.

~ by pamelasukhum on August 17, 2008.